Indecision 2008

I find myself in the funniest of places right now. I find myself with a husband, beautiful friends, passions; no real conclusive direction.

This gives me such a frenzy of anxiety. In the past month I have looked into becoming a midwife, teacher, social worker, and mother. I pour hours (what little of them I have between school and work) into finding out any tidbits that I can. I would generally say it is all for naught, but not really. I am always on this train of figuring out what I need, what I am going to need, what I want, what I think I want...enough.

How 'bout just hanging out and waiting for a direction to find me. Or rather, I have found out that my life is not about a direction but in reality, or in my head (you choose), I find myself in a round white room. I have been left paints, crayons, clay, beads, thread...people stop in, some pull up a chair and hang out with me (I think they will be there for the rest of my life), some people come and go or create windows to look in on me from time to time, there are as many books as I would like. On the walls they are always changing depending on what I create. I can talk to the people...or not. There is really no direction, just a thought "live well". I think my teenage years have been about arriving at this place and learning that this is okay.

I may always be experiencing new passions and new lights....this is what I was made to do. I may not "end" up anywhere, but I would prefer to never end and just be infinite and open to everything that is in my room.

Make any sense?